Um, somebody needs to ride me a LOT HARDER to come post more often. and WOW if that didn't sound dirty. LOL

I have been told that I'm missed, so you know, HAI.

Stuff is goin well with me, is now a WHOLE YEAR that I've been medication-free. :D Work is good, boss now has me on a week on/week off thing, which is fantastic. He's srsly the best ever.

Still fandomless. >.< But my brainspouses have me all bandom-friendly, even if I'm not in it myself.

Not much to talk about, waiting for QI and Lost to start back up... been watching a lot of Rifftrax.... OH, FLASHFORWARD IS FANTASTIC, can't wait for Dommmm. Also watching The Biggest Loser. Still live on Gtalk and Facebook, and I Tweet occasionally. Hoping to get back on AIM.

Um... anything else, I have no idea. LOL

Thought I'd leave you this to giggle over til I get back from Jana's birthday movie. :D

*clears throat* Ahem...

♥ HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BRAINSPOUSE MEGAN!!! ♥



Welcome to the Cat Macro Guide to Birthdays!!
Now with added LOLdogs!
written by random_yayness (Raquel)

( Birfdayz R Fabulus! )

SOMEBODY remind me to post here, k?

Although I think part of me was just kinda disheartened after posting my song to not much comment. I believe I'm over that now.

I have pictures from my phone to post!! REMIND ME. Can't do it now, time to get ready for bed. Booooo.

*glomps all around*

http://bit.ly/JommI Cleaner nicer version of my song I wrote, recorded with my mic instead of my phone. :D I am insecure and this is important to me, so any comments/criticism would be nice. Anything specific you like about the lyrics or tune? Anything specific you DON'T like? Any ideas that would make it cooler? :D Thanks!

Original VoicePost with lyrics.

Rules and first set of questions here.

silentdescant asked me:

1. What is your best memory of us?
Oh wow. hmmm... MOONROCK WAS A GOOD CONVERSATION! And What Should Have Happened At ORC. ♥

2. What is your favorite Billy Joel song and why?
OMG YOU ARE EVIL. ROFL *thinks* I can't, I really can't. Because I have different faves for different moods! Some of my faves to sing to myself, though, are And So It Goes, Downeaster Alexa, Leningrad, and Lullabye (Goodnight, My Angel). Because they're all beautiful and emotional. and I like that. LOL

3. What is something you like to do with your hands (besides type, hahaha)?
Uhhh... Besides typing and... that... other... thing.... ROFL Piano. which I miss and haven't done in literally YEARS.

4. Who is your favorite person to talk to (in person, not online)?
Jana, definitely.

5. What is your second-favorite animal (since I know your first)?
Probably the domestic cat? *looks at computer files* Yeah, I'm gonna be boring and go with cat. SORRY. ROFL

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you ANY five questions of a very intimate and creepily personal nature. Or not so creepy/personal.
3. You WILL update your LJ with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

wonder_walldbc gave me these:
( Q&A under here! )

Thanks to sassyfrassy, I NOW HAVE 6 MONTHS PAID LJ. :D :D :D

Combined with my new layout, hopefully it'll convince me to be around more.

Also, today is TOWEL DAY. Are you a really hoopy frood who knows where their towel is??

Thanks to silentdescant for the link to minty_peach for layouts, I found the perfect one to base my own idea on. I just changed the header image and the colors, and VOILA. COME SEE.

random_yayness

Without looking at the header's file name, WHO CAN TELL ME WHERE THE LYRICS ARE FROM?

And yes, I made the header completely myself by hand, except the moon, which I still put effects on. LOL *PROUD*

Dude, I'm not even THAT into blue. LOL

OH. And thanks to BOTH my brainspouses for their opinions on the header as I worked on it the last week or so. *GLOMPAGE ALL AROUND* ♥ you guys.

Hey guys, I'm wantin to redo my LJ Layout again, but having trouble finding one that works with what I'm envisioning. Do any of you have any favorite layout comms/users/sites bookmarked to recommend? I'd appreciate it. :)

Soooo am bored and kinda hyper (read: sleep-deprived silly) and nostalgic and rambley, so Hai.

Hopefully you all saw my last post about my new fandom LJ and saw the new fic. Though if you did, maybe you could comment to let me know? LOL

Am now entering SIX MONTHS of being on no bipolar or anxiety medication, and I've never been mentally healthier for THIS LONG before in my LIFE. *\o/* Life has been quite good.

Have I told you all about the place I'm "working" for my Welfare money now? Am vacuuming at this county building downtown. 25 minutes of work, 4 days a week, and my boss is so fantastic that my Mom refers to him as God. LOL

Am still living on Facebook pretty much. I am Raquel Miller, feel free to find me there. :D Just include a note in the friend request so I know you're friending me from LJ.

Doctor Who has eaten my brain. Have almost finished DLing series 4, omggggg. am so nervous. Have finished both seasons of Torchwood and am quite in love with Captain Jack. :D Also been sorting through the episodes of I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue and Just A Minute (BBC Radio shows), so am all anglofied. Look, I made up a word.

omg I'm tired.

Hopefully soon I'll get a memory card for my cellphone so I can post the pics I take on it here. LOL

OH, also thinking of revamping my LJ. any ideas?

Okay, should stop the rambling now. <333 you all.

Bzomg, 17 weeks?? O____O That may be a new record. LOL

Um, yeah. HELLO. *WAVES*

I have almost no excuse for not coming on here anymore, I really don't. I haven't been going on AIM either, again, I don't really have any excuse. I've just been kinda withdrawn and blah and omg, you should SEE the thousands of emails I have. >.<

Soooo, um.... WELL, I'm not doing the computer class at ALC anymore. There was a big fuckup with Welfare, and long story short, we decided it'd be better for me to get my weekly hours in somewhere else, and now I'm volunteering at our local AIDS Community Services. Answering phones, doing clerical work, that kinda thing. My boss Eugene is awesome. Answering phones gave me a fucking HEART ATTACK the first few times, but I'm starting to be okay with it.

I got denied SSI AGAIN. This shit is driving me insane, and I won't lie, I got horribly depressed about it for a while, it was really very bad. But am kinda out of that now, and actually considering trying to get a job. At least if I fail, it's some kind of proof that I'm not making up my problems.

Ummm.... OH. I'M FUCKING 26, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ABOUT, BITCHES?!? O__o

All right, if you want to keep tabs on me, and stay up with what's goin on, and hopefully have some fun WITH me, come find me on FaceBook, because I've basically MOVED THERE and spend ALL MY FREE TIME ON IT. Just search for Raquel Miller. I'm in Buffalo, NY. Friend meeeeee. and we can play games and stuff!! :D

Crossposting to InsaneJournal.

This always happens when I wait too long to do an update: I have so much stuff to talk about and then it's been too long and I can't remember any of it. LOL

I read Atonement, thanks to V and RC for the rec, and was really pleasantly surprised by it. The writing was exceptionally beautiful. I was quite annoyed by Briony in the first third of it, but my opinion of her improved through the rest of the book. Then I saw the movie, which I thought was a pretty good rendition of the book, all things considered. :)

Also read The Tenth Circle, thanks to brainspouse Megan for that rec. Story of a teenage girl who becomes the victim of a crime and her and her parents' journey to cope with the aftermath. I felt the very very end was a bit unresolved, but overall it was very good.

Next? REREADING HARRY POTTER. Was just gonna reread 6 & 7, but been reading some HP fan fic and it swayed me towards rereading all of it. LOL I've just discovered Hermione/Ginny. o__O

Seen a lot of movies, too. Ocean's 13, Die Another Day, The Incredibles, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (WHICH WAS AWESOME), Desk Set.... I know there's more, but I can't think of it. lol also Re-watched Clerks and Back to the Future.

GOOD NEWS, for those of you who care, I've found replacements for the tons of QI episodes that were missing from my index!! QI Episode Index. For those who don't know, QI is a British comedy panel quiz show. And all of you who are Dom and Billy fans, I KNOW you'd love the comedy. You should check it out!!! :D

Following this inspiring post by kiltsandlollies, I decided to run a hell of a lot of pics of Dom through The Oldifyer and see which ones actually LOOK good. The following are my favorites, posted for silentdescant for reaching 20 points in my Lord of the Rings Trivial Pursuit game. (Wanna play? Ask me how! :D)

Oh, and there's ONE Adult Content pic of Dom's naked arse. So you're warned. :D

( B&W is BEAUTIFUL )

... another episode of bone-crushing loneliness.

I really just wish it'd go away now, plskthx. Everytime I think I'm over it, it comes back. Really, maybe I should learn to not watch romantic movies. Or read fic. Or do anything. >.<

Stupid emotions. *glares at them* Good news, I see my counselor tomorrow, for the 2nd time so far. Bad news, her appointments are only a HALF HOUR, omg. I'm gonna feel so rushed.

That is all. I just had to vent. Apologies where necessary.

Hmm, what's happened in the last week.... *thinks*

Well, I met my new counselor person, Kathy, on Wednesday. I like her a lot, though I've only seen her the once so far. She's very laid back and open, and big on humor. I'm actually daring to let myself have some HOPE that she might actually be the one to help me, to give me some actual treatment for the first time in 5 years. :)

I hope to start catching up on LJ again soon... probly will do it person by person. LOL

OH. THE MOST AMAZING THING EVER, omggggg. So I was just talking to Megan one night, as I do. LOL And suddenly she asks me what night it was I saw Eddie Izzard in Cleveland, and I told her, May 24th, and she sends me a YouTube link. SOMEONE POSTED PART OF THE Q&A SESSION WE HAD WITH EDDIE AFTER THE SHOW!! You can't SEE me, but at 3:27 in you can hear me ask him about the Sexie DVD and when that will be coming out, and poor Eddie's all apologetic and flustered. LOL But you can see from his eyeline how I WAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM. omg. I NOW HAVE VIDEO OF IT. :D HERE'S THE LINK!

Have been watching a lot of movies lately, including: Across the Universe, Lost in Translation, Ocean's 12, and Batman Begins. All have been really good!!! I can't wait, now I can see Ocean's 13 and the new Batman movie. :D OH, and I've requested On A Clear Day from the library!! YAY BILLY OMG.

Also been reading. Let's see... Time Traveler's Wife, which I've mentioned... Stardust, Maurice, Edinburgh, Watchmen, and working on Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys. Will soon get Atonement from the library, according to V and RC's rec. :) Still open for book recs, feel free to leave me some! Or fic recs even. LOL

... yet I feel it QUITE OFTEN in my life.

Due to recent events with certain people finding my LJ (through my own damn fault of leaving a link up on another site), I may have to start locking down certain aspects of my journal here. This pisses me off and depresses me, that I may need to start censoring myself to avoid drama, in my OWN JOURNAL. WTF, f-list, I ask you.

And yes, the irony doesn't escape me that said people might be reading this very entry. Oh well.

I'm OFFICIALLY done with the day treatment place I was going to, for the self help classes I was taking. Since I'm done with CDT, I have an appointment in the morning to see someone about one-on-one counseling, like I used to go to, so I'm really nervous about that. And just depressed anyway at the moment. >.< I've had bad luck with counseling/treatment for like, 4 years now. And I'm TRYING to be optimistic, I am, but it's really fucking hard to have hope right now.

I'm tired of being in pain, and I'm tired of feeling alone, and I'm tired of not knowing THING ONE to do about it.

ALSO, been having an.... interesting email exchange with my Dad's wife, Darlene, after receiving a hysterical dramatic letter out of NO WHERE. She still refuses to tell me what prompted it, but I replied in an adult and diplomatic manner, keeping my boundaries, and she even apologized for a couple things she said. Yay for me. And speaking of Dad, I've been having some really great emails with him. :) I need to reply to both of them tomorrow, there are still some things I want to clear up with Darlene. With the history there I don't think we'll ever see COMPLETELY eye to eye, but I've accepted that and am just trying to reach some level of agreement.

ranDOMly.... WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME WEST SIDE STORY WAS DEPRESSING?? >.< LOL

Darlene, my Dad's wife, had let us know last month that there had been a miscommunication between them at Christmas and that's why we hadn't gotten anything from them then, and that they would send a check pretty soon. I didn't really think anything much of it, because there's always a chance it won't happen and I tire of Darlene a lot, I really do.

But I got a really pleasant surprise yesterday!! The envelope had DAD'S HANDWRITING on it. Almost every correspondance we get, both online and in the mail, is usually from Darlene for the both of them. Or just from her. >.< So when I saw HIS handwriting on the envelope, my heart kinda went bubbly. Which bothers me a little, that he can still make me feel like that. But he's my DAD, so it's only natural.

So the lil card inside was also just by him, and it was sweet and nice and fatherly, which I don't really get from him that often. And a check for $35!! omg, I'm rich. LOL I have to decide what to do with it.

But yeah. That really made my weekend. ♥ :)

Yes, that's right, I WROTE A POEM. OMG, how long has it BEEN? Over a year, at least. Possibly 2. And those who know me well know poetry isn't really a good sign, but oh well. It helps. :)

First, though, an update. Saw my psychiatrist today, and since I'll be having a new one next month or so, we elected not to start me on anything new until then. So I'm on my Celexa still, but that's it. I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE FOR ANY ENSUING EMO-NESS OR DESPAIRING. Rly. LOL

Had an awesome night, though, went over to Jana and Neil's with Ken, and we went to Pizza Hut and saw Cloverfield. OMG IT WAS AWESOME. O_________O SO ORIGINAL, too. And tomorrow Jana and Neil and Mom and I are goin to see The Happening. HOPE IT'S GOOD, TOO.

A damn sight better than LAST night, when I was wrapped up in a rut and COULDN'T STOP CRYING. >.< See? Emoness. I haven't been depressed per se, so much as just lacking emotional control. I was kind of drowning in my loneliness, it actually was PAINFUL, which is rare for me. So today, I wrote a poem, and felt a bit better.

Combustion

I drift through this world
unanchored, unbound
No life in my breast
No home to be found

You bridge that distance
You break down that wall
You gather me in
and answer my call

But there's still something between us
some separation unseen
I sputter and flicker
You sparkle and gleam

If I touched your fire
it's you who'd be burned
so I reign in my hand
against all that I've yearned

This affection we've kindled
will more than suffice
for I won't risk your flame
just to banish my ice

-end-

Hope you liked. :) Or at least didn't hate. LOL

Because I'm bored, and found this in my clipdiary program from 2 years ago

( Yes or No? )

And just because:

If you have anything to say to the person who posts this, say it to them. If you love them, tell them. If you hate them, tell them. Whatever you have to say to this person, even if it's something you're having trouble saying, if the person posts this entry, say it to them. You may never have the chance to again, so just do it.

All Comments Screened, (and will NOT be unscreened)

No fault,
No foul,
No hard feelings.