(cross-posted from Tumblr)
Follow-up/conclusion to my Dad texting saga.
As I mentioned in my last post, I figured I should clarify this with him, so we could get it over with and move on. This is the response I got.( Screenshot under the cutCollapse )
So I’ve gone back and forth, and for a while I thought I should make him tell me what he’s thinking because I WAS TERRIFIED FOR YEARS AND I DESERVE SOMETHING OF SUBSTANCE TO HAPPEN NOW. :P And if I don’t know what his issues are and to what degree, then I don’t know how to phrase things or what to avoid or anything like that. I need to know where someone is coming from so I know how to address them. In general. About basically anything. I need to know my environment and the lay of the land to feel comfortable. and I have this huge void on this very important topic and I can’t discuss that on the phone with it a total blank that way. If I know WHAT EXACTLY his issues are, then I know what parts to tone down, what parts to talk up, if it’s worth talking about at all. So I was going to send him another text telling him basically that I’ll think about talking to him on the phone after he sends me the email, because as it stands, he’s given me no incentive to want to talk to him on the phone.
Then I watched this video on coming out
by Nibbles on YouTube (she is awesome, btw). And she made a good point, that like, if you make it a formal thing and a serious discussion, it can make it seem like an even bigger issue to the people you’re coming out to. and that in her opinion and experience, it’s better to just be like “Okay, this is what’s going on with me” more casually and naturally. And I had a big talk with alisso
about it and she really helped me examine my feelings from every side and think about what I actually WANT from my Dad.
And I realised I don’t really want anything from him, especially if he’s trying to play the same angle we always have in our family, keep in contact by staying superficial and positive. Like, I kept thinking of all these ways to explain or rebut things to him, but that’s all because I just really hate when people don’t understand what I’m trying to say? Not because I actually care about him understanding or us having a relationship moving forward from this. I have no interest in talking to him on the phone, for a bunch of reasons, so why should I be spending energy trying to figure out how to feel more comfortable doing so?
I just hate that any direct and honest thing I could say to him would hurt him. I may not care about him, but that’s more of a lack of caring, not an active grudge or hatred or anything. I have no interest in hurting him, either. I don’t want to be forced to say “I’m not interested in talking to you or having a relationship.”
SO, I’ve decided to leave it. I’m just gonna let it go here, as is. (Well I texted him Happy Birthday the next day, but that doesn’t really count in this thread. lol YES, I DID THIS AROUND HIS BIRTHDAY, I feel bad about that.) If in a few days or weeks he’s like “Hey, what’s going on, why haven’t you said anything”, then I’ll revisit it. But after thinking about it the last few days, I’ve really said everything I wanted to and needed to. He won’t engage, and I don’t really need him to after all. So you know. Fuck it, I’m done. \o/