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31st Dec, 2020

A - Polar Bear Reflection

(mostly) Friends Only

(Mostly) Friends Only

Most fandom-specific and personal things will be Friends Only, but I have a very open friending policy. I love adding new friends! It's just a measure to keep non-lj users away, so feel free to comment and/or friend me. :) In fact, if we've interacted a few times and I haven't friended you, it's probably just because I'm too shy to do it first. LOL

30th Dec, 2020

A - Polar Bear Reflection

Top Gear-related Screencap Galleries Index

Caps I've taken and gifs I've made of shows featuring:

Jeremy ClarksonCollapse )

James MayCollapse )

Richard HammondCollapse )

Top GearCollapse )

20th Oct, 2014

A - Polar Bear Reflection

Another post about my gender thoughts. (cross-posted from tumblr)

Another post about my gender thoughts. I had a lot of angst yesterday, so I talked to alisso​ about it, and then today we talked about words. I'm taking the easy way and posting our conversations, because translating them into a bloggy post is way outside my reach right now.

NOTE: all assertions about feelings and perceptions are intended as a statement about how I feel about me in this situation, not at all touching on how I feel about others or how I expect others to feel in similar situations. When I say certain things would feel fake or ridiculous to me, that is a personal issue, not at ALL meaning I think other people who do those things are fake or ridiculous. I hope that's clear enough, I don't want to inadvertently make anyone feel bad or judged. ♥

ALSO WARNING: I'm not editing out the sappy stuff because she's my girlfriend and I love her. :P

Read more...Collapse )

16th Oct, 2014

A - Polar Bear Reflection

Examining my gender identity. (cross-posted from tumblr)

Time for a post about gender stuffs. Specifically, mine.

Read more...Collapse )

3rd Oct, 2014

A - Polar Bear Reflection

Follow-up/conclusion to my Dad texting saga.

(cross-posted from Tumblr)

Follow-up/conclusion to my Dad texting saga.

As I mentioned in my last post, I figured I should clarify this with him, so we could get it over with and move on. This is the response I got.

Screenshot under the cutCollapse )

So I’ve gone back and forth, and for a while I thought I should make him tell me what he’s thinking because I WAS TERRIFIED FOR YEARS AND I DESERVE SOMETHING OF SUBSTANCE TO HAPPEN NOW. :P And if I don’t know what his issues are and to what degree, then I don’t know how to phrase things or what to avoid or anything like that. I need to know where someone is coming from so I know how to address them. In general. About basically anything. I need to know my environment and the lay of the land to feel comfortable. and I have this huge void on this very important topic and I can’t discuss that on the phone with it a total blank that way. If I know WHAT EXACTLY his issues are, then I know what parts to tone down, what parts to talk up, if it’s worth talking about at all. So I was going to send him another text telling him basically that I’ll think about talking to him on the phone after he sends me the email, because as it stands, he’s given me no incentive to want to talk to him on the phone.

Then I watched this video on coming out by Nibbles on YouTube (she is awesome, btw). And she made a good point, that like, if you make it a formal thing and a serious discussion, it can make it seem like an even bigger issue to the people you’re coming out to. and that in her opinion and experience, it’s better to just be like “Okay, this is what’s going on with me” more casually and naturally. And I had a big talk with alisso about it and she really helped me examine my feelings from every side and think about what I actually WANT from my Dad.

And I realised I don’t really want anything from him, especially if he’s trying to play the same angle we always have in our family, keep in contact by staying superficial and positive. Like, I kept thinking of all these ways to explain or rebut things to him, but that’s all because I just really hate when people don’t understand what I’m trying to say? Not because I actually care about him understanding or us having a relationship moving forward from this. I have no interest in talking to him on the phone, for a bunch of reasons, so why should I be spending energy trying to figure out how to feel more comfortable doing so?

I just hate that any direct and honest thing I could say to him would hurt him. I may not care about him, but that’s more of a lack of caring, not an active grudge or hatred or anything. I have no interest in hurting him, either. I don’t want to be forced to say “I’m not interested in talking to you or having a relationship.”

SO, I’ve decided to leave it. I’m just gonna let it go here, as is. (Well I texted him Happy Birthday the next day, but that doesn’t really count in this thread. lol YES, I DID THIS AROUND HIS BIRTHDAY, I feel bad about that.) If in a few days or weeks he’s like “Hey, what’s going on, why haven’t you said anything”, then I’ll revisit it. But after thinking about it the last few days, I’ve really said everything I wanted to and needed to. He won’t engage, and I don’t really need him to after all. So you know. Fuck it, I’m done. \o/
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30th Sep, 2014

A - OMG ONOZ

Basically came out to my Dad, here's how it went.

(cross-posted from Tumblr)

Here’s the compilation of my ‘coming out’ texts with my Dad so far. Though not much has actually been discussed on that topic because he’s avoiding. >.<

Screenshots in the cutCollapse )

The initial texts from him were the first time he’s contacted me since Christmas, I think. He may’ve left me a voicemail or two a few months ago but I don’t really remember. It’s not uncommon for us to talk maybe once or twice a year. I’ve never actually come out to him (and never thought I would) because he was a pastor my whole childhood and pretty stolidly silently homophobic. I’ve also never really had much of a relationship with him and don’t really care about him, so it wasn’t really an issue. BUT, I’m leaving the country soon and I kinda feel he should know? lol

He’s been talking to my sister Jana semi-regularly since her son River was born 2 years ago, and I’d told her that she could feel free to tell him anything she wanted about me and my relationship and that I’m moving, and made sure she didn’t feel put in the middle. However, she doesn’t usually talk to him for that long at a time, and she has her own stuff to talk to him about so it hasn’t come up yet or been convenient. So when he texted me out of the blue a couple weeks ago, it started making me think. Then, a few days ago when alisso finally bought my plane tickets and it was all a lot more real, I realised I actually wanted to tell him and get this behind me one way or the other. Several people said if I wanted to move to Australia without telling him myself that that was totally my call and a valid choice. We don’t have a relationship to speak of and he lives in Florida, not like he’s local. But I’d rather deal with honest drama now and then be free & clear, instead of dealing with hurt feelings drama later.

I didn’t specifically mention ‘bi’ or my orientation yet because as I said to him, I wanted the initial post to be about my moving for my relationship. That was the reason for telling him and those were the points I wanted to stick to; I didn’t want to risk him derailing and focusing on how I identify when it’s none of his business. I didn’t foresee him ignoring the same sex relationship in favor of talking about my moving, but I’m not surprised. Nor am I surprised about his vague hypocrisy. (“You’re not being real direct with me” he says while not once voicing an opinion or addressing any of the concrete info I stated. And acting like it’s been all on me that I’ve never been really open with him about my life, when HE’S the reason I haven’t. :P) But I think I came back to him fairly and honestly.

Overall I’m pleased with how positive he’s trying to be, even if he’s still clueless and trying to act like we have a relationship (calling me Raquel Renae like I’m still 5, blah). I’m sure the “I’d like to change your mind” is just about the moving out of the country, and I replied to that in a polite way, but I had to laugh because my family members that are ACTUALLY MY FAMILY and ACTUALLY EFFECTED by my leaving are superhappy for me going. and here’s him all “I wish you weren’t going.” YOU LIVE IN FLORIDA AND WE DON’T TALK, just, whatever. And I’m not talking to him on the phone until we hash all the important stuff out in texts. Hmm, I should clarify that in case he’s waiting for a phone call.

ANYWAY. That's what's going on lately! I also have a lot of thoughts today about gender identity and stuff, but that's for another time.

PS: Shoutout to all my awesome friends on Twitter, so many people were there for me and supportive the night this was going down, I’ve never felt so cared for by so many people at once. ♥ Can never thank you all enough.

2nd Feb, 2014

A - Polar Bear Reflection

Random check-in.

I miss LJ and I miss you guys and I miss feeling like I could say things and I miss me.

But I have this roadblock in my head and I don't know that it can be shifted. And nothing I can say is new or productive or of interest to anyone else.

I'm sorry I'm not better. and I'm sorry I can't in good faith put a 'yet' on the end of that sentence.

22nd Nov, 2013

A - Polar Bear Reflection

Belated wrap up of my last couple posts, and some new developments.

Had a lovely videochat with alisso for a few hours this morning, she was randomly looking through her old LJ posts, making me realise I never posted the result of my counseling saga here, so.

Further Adventures In CounselingCollapse )

6th Nov, 2013

A - I&#39;mInUrFandomSlashin&#39;UrDoodz

TGS, only... not. XD

Posting this here since I don't know if anyone saw it when I tweeted it.

alisso, kath_ballantyne, Ruth, and I saw this car in Sydney. We did a doubletake. XD
I wonder where you order those. LOLCollapse )

26th Sep, 2013

A - Polar Bear Reflection

(no subject)

In a few weeks, the clinic I go to for counseling (run by Kaleida) is being taken over by another local medical company (ECMC). Because health care in this country is run like a BUSINESS, staff not only has to REAPPLY FOR THEIR OWN JOBS, but the overtaking company's staff gets first chance for applying. These are people's therapists and nurses, this is mental health care, stability and best interests of the clients should be the top priority. There are people who've had the same therapist/nurse for up to 20 years and might have to lose them now and have to get used to someone new.

My last therapist, Gwen, just retired at the end of May, I've only been seeing my current counselor, Andi, since July, and I'm REALLY getting along great with her, and she still doesn't know if she'll have a job in 3 weeks. Even if she does get rehired for her own job, it might be after she's technically lost it. *facepalm* I don’t want to have to move on to therapist number 11 (I think) in 15 years.

It's all so frustrating, both on a personal level and on a large scale. Health care should not be a business.

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