Go around so queer and quiet...

Most fandom-specific and personal things will be Friends Only, but I have a very open friending policy. I love adding new friends! It's just a measure to keep non-lj users away, so feel free to comment and/or friend me. :) In fact, if we've interacted a few times and I haven't friended you, it's probably just because I'm too shy to do it first. LOL

Caps I've taken and gifs I've made of shows featuring:

( Jeremy Clarkson )

( James May )

( Richard Hammond )

( Top Gear )

I've been missing capping/gif-ing, and have been thinking of skipping Oz & James Drink To Britain for now and just starting capping TG itself. This is partly because I think people will get more use out of TG caps than Drink To Britain. Do you guys agree?


Poll #1837938 Which should I cap?
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 14

Should I cap/gif Drink To Britain, or just start on Top Gear itself?

I usually wait til I have a whole thing in mind to post here, so I don't feel like I'm wasting people's time with pointless rambles, but I think that's one reason I don't post much anymore: it tends to feel like a massive thing that needs to be important and weighty and planned. So I'm trying to just journal some stuff on the spur of the moment and see how it goes.

alisso and I have talked about the future a lot in the last several months, but it wasn't til I went there and spent 2 weeks with her that it really started to feel real, that we could be together permanently eventually. Which, some of you might know, is monumental. I've never thought about the future, never WANTED a future. That's not hyperbole. Now ever since we got together, a future is all I want, with her. We've talked about it a lot more since I got home from seeing her, and the news that her job wants to make her permanent and that she's coming to see me after Christmas is a fantastic step towards that.

But, as with everything, there's a downside.

Everyone pretty much knows, I'm not happy with my life here. Not really in any area of it. I love my Mom and she can be really amazing and great, but she can also be incredibly unreasonable and fixated on every little thing I do wrong. And I love our pets, but it's so hard to keep doing all the work for them when I feel like I don't get almost anything in return. I'm tired of feeling BELOW THEM. I have no privacy; I have to share every inch of my space and time with them. I can't even close my bedroom door without it being a big deal, so I don't even bother. And even though I've come lightyears since we got Pokey & Spike, I still deal with resentment and bitterness that I was actively against us adopting them and yet I'm the one that has to do MOST of the work to care for them. Every time Jana pleads with Pokey to just hang in there til we can get a house, while Pokey's getting older and blinder, I just get so frustrated and annoyed. I have to sleep in chunks and snatches of 2-5 hours at a time, which really does not help my mental and emotional state. Lack of deep sleep is a serious mindfuck. And I'm doing better as far as Jana's pregnancy goes, but it's still not something I'm really looking forward to.

For years I've been hovering around the edge of "I can't take this anymore", but now that there's actually hope in sight, albeit distantly on the horizon, I've gone from hovering to redlining. It's easier to accept and get on with things when there's no choice. When I feel like it CAN be different, my threshold of tolerance drops dramatically.

I'm still dealing with insecurity and my regular depression/anxiety issues, but I think this is a big part of why I'm feeling so broken lately. I'd been doing so much better the last few years, but now I'm back to feeling strung out and defensive and attacking myself all the damn time. I can't shut things out when my issues are triggered and push at me; it's like I'm drowning in them the last few weeks.

I really can't take this anymore now, but I have to. I just hope I don't pull everyone else down with me while I try to cope with it.

The last week or two I've been dealing with some minor depression issues, partly because of my period (fuck you, hormones), but also partly for real reasons. ( Basically, I miss having a constant companion, friendwise. )

And on the topic, I really do want to talk more to you guys, it's just scary for me. My gtalk ID is on my profile, feel free to add me and chat if you ever want to. ♥

Finally have the best of my trip photos up! And here's the best of the best. LOL See the full album here, on Photobucket. I've even put some descriptions explaining a bit about each picture. Also, a few teeny short videos. I hope you all like! ♥

( Australia, this-a-way! )

Originally posted by capra_maritimus at All U.S. Internet Providers will be policing downloads by July 12, 2012

For YEARS, I have been waiting for omgwtfpolarbear to be purged so I could snag it, and now I am happy with my random_yayness and IT IS PURGED AND I CAN HAVE IT, but I'm all D: about renaming. AND I am in the ATL airport on my way home, SO, I can't really handle this kind of a decision right now with my time restraints. LOL BUT this gives me the chance to warn you all that I probably will be changing my LJ name. As long as no one else grabs it in the next day. If so, eh, hopefully they at least USE IT. :P

Soooo many things to talk about my trip, but like I said, don't really have the time right now. Hopefully later when I am more awake. ♥

Super short post here, but my first week in Australia has gone by slowly, which is WONDERFUL. By the time I leave, I'll feel like I've been here a month. ♥

Things are amazing with alisso. I can't even. I've never been this happy before in my life. I can't really go into details, partly because of time and partly because of MY ISSUES, but yes. So very happy. We've spent pretty much the whole time almost nonstop snuggling. I feel like I belong with her. ♥

Might update again before I leave, but I'm not sure I'll be all coherent enough.

Just. JOY

And finally. MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITES EVER. The winners, Pentatonix. I've linked and talked about these guys so much on Twitter, so I'm sorry for those who are sick of it, but EEEEEEEEE. *giggles* I've never loved a group from a reality show this much, or followed anyone after a show was over. I still listen to them almost every day and follow them all on Twitter and watch their new vids and I'M FRIENDS WITH AVI ON FACEBOOK and omg.

Okay. Calming down. *g*

( IT'S PENTA-TIME. )

AND THAT'S IT. My love for the show, and that group in particular. Thank you for your patience, and I really really hope you watch and enjoy and love. ♥